The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, FEB. 9: Ah, remember the Cold War? The frisson of dread that seized your spine at 3 a.m. as you wondered whether this would be the day a fat Russkie nuke would turn you into a green skeleton? Now you can relive the magic! North Korea admitted for the first time it had nuclear weapons Wednesday--and then promptly ditched the international diplomacy table like a drunk prom date in front of Planned Parenthood. Observers saw hope for resolution, however, in President Bush tempering the language of his inaugural speech. Carefully avoiding characterization of the rogue nation as part of the "axis of evil," Bush instead said the United States would use the "untamed fires of freedom" to light the "M-80 of human progress" it had stuck in "the communist cat-butthole" of North Korea.

THURSDAY, FEB. 10: Robert Clymer: By day, he's the lead FBI agent in the decades-long investigation of Crazy Horse Too. By night, he's vomiting Strawberry Tropicolada on his shoes in the parking lot of his favorite bar. The law enforcement official was charged with drunken driving last month after crashing his truck, the R-J reported. Officers found Clymer passed out in his vehicle with what can only be called the Recipe for Fun: an empty 25-ounce bottle of Captain Morgan's rum and a 9mm handgun. Aye, matey, how quickly the rum's charming pirate mascot can make a scurvy knave walk the plank of new career options!

FRIDAY, FEB. 11: The upside: Trans fats make french fries, potato chips and cookies crunchy. The downside: They fill your arteries with globular party balloons of heart-killing death. Of course, our friendly fast-food megacorp masters would rather us forget about that inconvenient fact as we suck contentedly on our meat shakes. Nonetheless, McDonald's--the hamburger giant that plates up trans fats in a variety of craptacular forms--has agreed to pay $8.5 million to settle a lawsuit over using the artery-clogging goo in its cooking oils. A hearty McCheer for "healthier" fast food that kills us more slowly: Ba-da-ba-ba-ba...I'm feeling a...tightness...in...my chest...

SATURDAY, FEB. 12: Gays, maniacally intent on knowing firsthand the terrors of marriage, flocked to courthouses nationwide as part of Freedom to Marry Day. Here in Las Vegas, two couples engaged in the symbolic protest as they asked for a marriage license at the Clark County Courthouse. And though the court clerks scurried away--clearly seeing an opportunity for an early lunch--the couples were nonetheless "wed" by Rabbi Richard Schachet of Valley Outreach Synagogue, giving these mates at least something of a taste of the sacred, somber institution enjoyed by the likes of Zsa Zsa Gabor, Tommy Lee, Lisa Marie Presley, Darva Conger, Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman.

SUNDAY, FEB. 13: The Grammys--that pop music toddler birthday party in which everyone, from Britney Spears to Rod Stewart to the late Ray Charles, gets an award, happened Sunday night. The 47th annual musicfest was marked by one salient fact (besides a drunk Courtney Love squirting pool acid from her nipples): Nobody watched it. The awards show drew its second-lowest audience ever, according to Nielsen Media Research. Week in Review humbly offers this three-point program to counter this creeping case of Grammy blahs: Give Tara Reid a slinky dress, an oil drum filled with lime daiquiri and a flaming baton for two hours--and watch the magic happen!

MONDAY, FEB. 14: Sigh. It's time to bid adieu and turn the volume down, down--ever so gently down--on Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" blaring in your skullboxes: Mary Kay Letourneau is spoken for. The infamous Seattle love machine, convicted in 1997 of raping her then-12-year-old pupil Vili Fualaau, is set to wed her beau on April 16, according to their registry at a department store. We've already bought the porcelain nesting bowls--um, how about you get that booster chair and spill-proof cups that Fualaau wants?

TUESDAY, FEB. 15: Toot! All aboard the Corey Feldman Career Revival Tour 2005. Indeed, the list of potential witnesses in the Michael Jackson child molestation case reads like a red-carpet, star-studded...3 a.m. infomercial about a wireless bunion remover: Elizabeth Taylor, Jay Leno, Quincy Jones, Kobe Bryant, Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross, Chris Tucker, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, Larry King and even Steve Wynn. Geez, all we need is Emmanuel Lewis popping out of a bowl of Chex Mix and we got ourselves a par-tay!

--ANDREW KIRALY