My Side of the Conversation

The one-sided phone transcripts of Theresa Scanlon

Me: Yes, I'm trying to reach the director of guest relations. Yes, I'll hold.

Me: Yes, ma'am, I was a guest at your amusement park some weeks ago and I had a portrait done by one of your professional artists.

Me: Well, I don't know exactly. He had a little booth just north of the flume ride.

Me: Well, to be frank, I'm wondering about your hiring practices because I'm looking at the portrait now and my head is two or three times bigger than the rest of my entire body. In fact, I'm in a little airplane in the drawing and my head is bigger than the airplane itself.

Me: Look, can you just tell me how it is that someone can rise to the level of professional artist and not have mastered the very basics of perspective? I cannot stress enough how big my head is in relation to the rest of my body. Did you even look at this man's work before you hired him?

Me: Well, I'm not familiar with that term, but call it what you will, I'm afraid you've lost a valued customer. Good day.