Mercury World Report

Upside-down staircase kills three at Escher museum

HAARLEM, Netherlands--Three tourists were killed and more than 15 were injured Saturday when members of a Japanese package tour attempted to traverse the difficult upside-down staircase at the M.C. Escher Museum, Dutch authorities reported.

According to witnesses, the tour guide, seemingly disoriented from viewing Escher's trippy "Hand With Reflecting Sphere," took a wrong turn in the museum's confusing "Relativity" room and inadvertently led his charges across the inverted staircase. Apparently distracted by a flock of freaky birds that turned into fish, more than 20 tourists fell almost two stories to the room's oddly angled floor.

Witnesses describe a surreal scene of horror, with piercing screams of pain and terrified tourists clinging desperately to the upside-down handrail. Paramedics reported finding two of the dead with unraveled heads, as if their flesh and bone were made of naught but flowing ribbons. The death toll might have been worse, but some of the injured fell upward, only to be caught by a giant hand that seemed to be drawing itself.

Porn tape never viewed past coming attractions

Despite his intention of watching scene after scene of Jenna Jameson's explicit sex play, Las Vegas resident Rudy Sedlacek has yet to view a single frame of the star's Open Wide VHS tape beyond the 17-minute intro of previews and coming attractions.

"Yeah, I guess I just haven't gotten around to it," Sedlacek admitted. "I don't know what happens. I put the tape in meaning to watch the movie, but I just never seem to get around to it. It seems like I'm always hitting the 'stop' button before the movie itself actually begins."

Though the curious start-and-stop process has occurred seven times, Sedlacek can't quite explain what causes the interrupted viewing.

"It's probably something different every time," Sedlacek suggested. "The phone rings or somebody's at the door. Who knows? I just never seem to get more than 12 minutes into those previews without ejac...ejecting the tape."

Man's fantasies about woman at laundromat marred by briefs sighting

DENVER--When Preston Doyel first saw the lanky brunette sorting clothes in LoDo's Mile High Laundry, he began fantasizing about a night of casual, witty conversation, drinks at a local tavern and sweaty sex on the woman's freshly laundered sheets. But the erotic idyll was quickly destroyed as Doyel watched the woman pulling more and more unmistakably masculine clothes from her wicker hamper.

"You would not believe how hot this chick was," the 27-year-old Doyel related. "I just sat there staring at her, thinking about how sweet her skin probably tasted. I did see her pull a pair of boxer shorts out of the hamper, but I figured they were just some chick Calvin Kleins she wears around the house. If anything, it turned me on even more.

"Then I saw her pull some boxer briefs out and that roached my buzz a little," Doyel said. "I thought, `I guess she could have a boyfriend, but maybe she just wears those under her hottie little bike shorts.' And that's cool. I was still totally into her at that point.

"But then I saw her pull out some unmistakable dude briefs, like tighty whities, and I knew she had a boyfriend. And I'm like, `Thanks for getting my hopes up.' I was still thinking about chatting her up and then I saw how big the dude's briefs were. They were like 40s or something and I'm like, `This dude's a monster. Fuck that.'"

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER

What we want to hear during the Academy Awards show

"To recap our breaking story: Joan and Melissa Rivers, dead in a murder-suicide pact": 15%

"This special award goes to Mr. DiCaprio for taking time out of his busy model-banging schedule to be here today": 15%

"Wait a minute, Jamie Foxx isn't blind at all! That really was some dandy acting": 20%

"And the winner is...Vin Diesel. Again": 15%

"How many Academy members did Imelda Staunton sleep with to get nominated?": 20%

"Call paramedics! Nicholson just sat on Dakota Fanning! Again": 15%

Handi-Chart: Camilla Parker Bowles' second thoughts about marrying Prince Charles

Already picturing single candle and three wilted flowers left outside Buckingham Palace when she dies

Will apparently be expected to come in contact with lepers, commoners and assorted human rubbish during charity events

Wondering if brief, vanilla missionary sex will retain same excitement now that she and Charles don't have to sneak around

With her imminent move to Windsor Castle, can't find anything in Pottery Barn catalog worth registering for

Can't help wondering if Charles' ever-wandering eye might someday find an older, even plainer dowager

Doesn't know if she can abide another 20 years of rubbing cortisone cream on the queen's bedsores

If foxhunting is indeed banned, what possible use will she and Charles find for her buttery soft, knee-high leather boots and riding crop?

In a sense, this means growing up. No more getting drunk, putting on the Spurs' home kit and spoiling for brutal fistfights at White Hart Lane