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| Wednesday, Dec 3, 2008, 07:56:01 PM |
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Wednesday, January 05, 2005 Mercury World Report
Colin Powell forced into cargo hold of Air Force One WASHINGTON--Ever since announcing his departure from the Cabinet, outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell has been consigned to a pet carrier in the cargo hold of Air Force One whenever traveling on official business, a White House source said Wednesday. The unnamed source said Powell's forced stowage in an "animal cage" was in no sense a punishment for the secretary's critique of the war in Iraq. "Oh, I wouldn't read too much into this," the source said. "I can assure the American people the cargo hold is pressurized. Mostly. It's cold, sometimes as cold as 50 below, but the secretary is breathing essentially the same air as the president." The source acknowledged that Powell's request that a drip bottle be attached to the cage was denied by Vice President Dick Cheney, but said that was mostly for safety reasons. "General Powell is still free to lick condensation from the bars of the cage. And, trust me, at that altitude there's plenty of condensation."
What TV news program finds doesn't shock anyone WICHITA, Kan.--Despite a local TV news program's constant promos for its investigation into supermarket pricing and its claim that "what we found may shock you," no single resident reported even the slightest hint of shock at KWTA's meager findings. "Three hours of incessant teasers for their shocking report and it turns out the Safeway scanners sometimes record the wrong price," said a disgusted Alan Steadman. "A machine misreads one in a hundred items. Quick, someone get me some smelling salts." Equally unshocked was 52-year-old Gloria Micek. "I was almost afraid to turn on the 10 o'clock news, but I forced myself to watch their shocking expose of dry cleaners," Micek said. "The whole deal is that cleaners charge more for women's blouses than men's shirts. Who doesn't know that by now? And who could possibly find it shocking?"
God is merciful, says lone survivor of massive disaster MALMO, Sweden--The lone survivor of a Swedish ferry accident that claimed more than 3,200 lives gives all the credit for his miraculous escape to the "kind and merciful God" who spared him, the man said Tuesday. Magnild Alfredsson, 32, said he doesn't consider himself a hero, but merely an example of God's immeasurable bounty of goodness. "When the ferry first started taking on water, I'll admit I briefly questioned God's wisdom," Alfredsson said. "But when it became clear that I would survive, I was awed by the generosity of God's love. "As I kicked at those unbelieving souls who clung to my raft and tried to interfere with God's grand design, all I could think was 'God, give me strength,'" a weeping Alfredsson related. "And as I paddled through the hundreds upon hundreds lifeless bodies, I could only marvel at the infinite majesty of my God's love. "That 3,200 people had to die for me to carry this message forth is not something I should question," Alfreddson said. "If anything, the sheer numbers make my testimony all the more powerful."
Threatening phone calls coming from upstairs, babysitter warned A babysitter who asked police to trace a series of threatening phone calls apparently ignored warnings that the deranged calls were coming from INSIDE the very house where she watching over her neighbor's children, Sheriff Dan Fawbush reported. "We told her the trace revealed that the calls were coming from INSIDE the house and urged her to leave immediately," Fawbush said. "I told her the kids, who were upstairs, were probably dead already and she should save herself. But I guess she didn't listen. "She kept asking how the madman could call on the same phone line that she was answering," Fawbush said. "I said, `Don't worry about that now. Don't you get it? The calls are coming from INSIDE the house.' But I guess she just had to go and look. "The murder scene itself was grisly and horrifying," Fawbush continued. "Just terrifying stuff. But nothing has ever chilled me to the bone quite like having to say the words, 'The calls are coming from INSIDE the house.'"
Shot of the Week: Thanks for visiting Avalon Hi, welcome to Avalon Day Spa. Um, okay, we usually start with a hydrating kelp wash in the Vichy shower, and then relax with a sage mud mask and Balinese herbal wrap in our healing kiva fireplace sanctuary. For you, I'd probably recommend the exfoliating Hinoki salt glow followed by an enzymatic, Indo-Asian chemical peel. Then we'll do a gentle, natural dermabrasion, and then follow that by running out of the room screaming.
A Mercury Handi-Chart • Hickory Farm's "The Curious Organ Meats of China" Sampler Pack • Playing the Guitar Is Really, Really Hard, from the "Why Start Now?" series of instructional videos • Hasbro's "Scald-A-Lot," the toy that turns "Boiling Water into Bubbling Fun" • Dialysis Gift Card from St. Mary's Renal Wellness Center • Sunbeam's Pocket Bidet with "Laser-Kleen" • Kids chewable Viagra • Mattel's "Radon Chong," the multicultural doll with patented "Fun Vapors." Tagline: It's a Doll! It's a Gas! • "Wise N' Heimer," a delightfully complicated board game that taxes the memory of today's Alzheimer's patient.
Dear Diary: Excerpts from Martha Stewart's daily diary If I were a guard, I'd never wake people by dragging a wooden baton across their cell bars. Instead, I'd whisper, "Time to get up, beautiful and totally innocent sleepyhead."
Instead of "breakfast," I now call it "getting my food on." Isn't that the most marvelous slang? I learn so much from these strong and inspiring women.
For some reason, whenever you tell somebody "I don't mean no disrespect," you have to preface it with the word "Yo." Apparently, it's some kind of honorific or something.
You'd be surprised how many women are in here because they tried to get blood out of clothing using WARM WATER. I mean, come on, that's only gonna set the stain, Silly Willy.
I know a male guard who thinks he's gonna be able to call me in about two years and get a high-paying, private security gig. I don't mind leading him on, but, seriously, what's he thinking?
If it's a shower day, I don't mind so much what Tynisha calls "forced cuddle time." But if it's not a shower day, sometimes I have to picture my Secret Healing Place in my mind just to get through it.
If I could make my own shiv, I think I'd want an ivory handle. Something simple, with maybe one or two Chinese characters carved in the hilt. Anything but the ghastly duct tape handles you see around here.
THE ISSUES THAT MATTER Found half a pie in the garbage: 8% If we're not the town slut, just who are we?: 8% Not stabbing hoboes wasn't the cure-all we hoped for: 14% Crack must have some sort of addictive quality: 14% What's one more jihad after all?: 8% Life's not fucking worth living if we can't fucking swear: 24% Got upset over tsunami victims, ate entire wheel of cheese: 24% |
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