The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 29: Ah, we remember well Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve--wrapped in a cozy cocoon of cheap wine cooler haze as we watched our violently tanned host carry us into another year of tearful, quixotic resolutions (alack! the checklist yet unchecked: moving out of mom's basement, losing virginity, getting GED). But the longtime host of the festivities in Times Square had to sit on the sidelines this year after a stroke dropped its own odious New Year's ball on his brain. However, fear not! In a statement, the Dickie, 75, said he was in still in quasi-rockin' eve-type spirits. "As I always have in the past, at midnight I plan on kissing my wife, Kari, and wishing her a happy new year." Fun fact: Extensive plastic surgery allows Clark to do this by removing his lips and holding them to her face.

THURSDAY, DEC. 30: Thirty-five million in U.S. aid offered for tsunami victims? At the current death toll, hmm, let's see, that comes out to about $2.19 and a wacky "Shit Happens!" orangutan novelty poster for each shivering Indonesian. No wonder the New York Times blasted Bush's aid offer for the South Asia tsunami crisis as "miserly" in a chiding editorial. And to think America's original aid package was $15 million--or three pairs of Dick Cheney's gold-plated Guatemalan child skull shoes. (The Times also noted that the United States is a shitty tipper, never uses its turn signals and has been emotionally distant lately.)

FRIDAY, DEC. 31: Foooor awwwl uh-quaintunce bee fergoht...and a blaw blaw blaw lang syne...[Week in Review schlomps into sloppy New Year's makeout sesh with your now-former girlfriend]. Ah, there's nothing like ringing in the New Year on the Strip, where a $500,000 fireworks display, $100,000 laser light show and a guy throwing up on your shoe were just a few of the highlights to this year-ending bash. Final tally: 232,000 revelers, 95 arrests, 29,000 lame pickup lines and 190,000 brain-crumpling hangovers THAT REALLY JUST NEED ANOTHER WAILING, CLAMOROUS BLAAAT! FROM A CHEAP PARTY HORN!

SATURDAY, JAN. 1: When U.S. troops have to armor their Humvees with industrial-strength Fruit Roll-Ups, Trapper Keepers and Bush "Mission Accomplished" Franklin Mint commemorative plates, you know they're in deep shit. But never fear! Grandstanding Democrat to the rescue! Vice Chairman of the House Democratic Caucus Jim Clyburn of South Dakota exhorted Bush to resolve to properly equip troops in the Halliburton Subsidiary Formerly Known as Iraq. "Our soldiers should never want for proper equipment and accurate intelligence," Clyburn said. In the meantime, mail your "Support Our Troops" stickers to our brave men and women overseas--they make for great field dressings and, in a pinch, provide a high-protein snack.

SUNDAY, JAN. 2: Ow! What's that in my eye? It's...TERROR! No, wait, it's some dude's Office Depot laser pointer declaring jihad on my cornea. Homeland Security officials said there is no evidence of terrorism in eight recent incidents involving laser beams aimed at aircraft cockpits. If it ain't terrorists, who is it? Er, innocent fans of lasers, we guess. "We do not know whether it is pranksters, whether it is criminal conduct--we don't know completely," said Homeland Security official Asa Hutchinson. Thanks, my BODY QUAKING WITH PURE FEAR feels better already.

MONDAY, JAN 3: When Hollywood isn't busy losing elections, showing its plasti-boobs and stumbling into rehab, sometimes it slows down enough to reveal its slimy reptilian underbelly of...true humanity? Like, gross! Exhibit A: Actress Sandra Bullock donated $1 million to the American Red Cross for tsunami relief. Chorus of heartfelt goosh, everyone: Awww. You know, Sandra, it's almost enough to make us consider watching Hope Floats again. Welllll...call us when you donate $2 million and we'll talk.

TUESDAY, JAN. 4: Ah, weight-loss programs. The bland, lab-created low-cal "food." The draconian meal plans. The teary testimonials. The "before and after" photos, usually featuring a tent-sized pair of jeans shown off like a hunting trophy. The bleating, white-afroed exercise gurus of undetermined gender. Too bad it's all TOTAL BULLSHIT (mostly). A review of 10 popular weight-loss programs in the Annals of Internal Medicine found that none help fatties shed pounds--none except Weight Watchers. Hurray Weight Watchers! Whole-grain sesame rice cakes for everyone!

--ANDREW KIRALY