Kick Out the Jams: Maroon 5 at the Aladdin, Jan. 1

What better way to start out the new year than to check out the most unreasonably popular band of 2004? Think about it--odds are you've got a monster headache anyway. Might as well grab a seat in the plush Aladdin theater and subject yourself to middle-aged secretaries from all over the country singing along to "This Love." Happy '05.

The search for scientific proof to explain the two-year pop rock dominance of Maroon 5 begins with the choice of opening act. Big City Rock valiantly attempted to blend the style of the Strokes, the white-boy funk of the esteemed headliners, and the new wave tendencies of the Killers, but it wasn't in the cards--singer Nate Bott's voice completely blew out a few songs into the set, requiring one of the band's six fans to close the set with some off-key vocals of her own.

As Maroon 5 began effortlessly gliding through hits from still-selling 2002 disc Songs About Jane, a theory of explanation began to take shape. Women of all ages leapt from their seats to dance along to "Harder to Breathe" and screamed every time singer Adam Levine hit one of those Timberlakian falsetto notes. It all became clear.

I believe Levine, in all his harmless-soulful-white-guy glory, was attempting to communicate with me telepathically. Sure, he was crooning "Tap on my window/ Knock on my door/ I want to make you feel beautiful," but all I heard was "Dude, you got to play to the white chicks." And he's right, all the way to the bank. It doesn't matter if it's mall-roaming 13-year-olds in Von Dutch trucker hats, puffy grade-school teachers from Ohio or all those damn secretaries; nobody buys music these days like the white women, and Maroon 5 has the market cornered.

This is not to say the guys don't have any chops. Levine has an obvious appreciation for Stevie Wonder, which never hurts. Drummer Ryan Dusick beats his kit senseless; he could moonlight for a metal band any day of the week. And Jesse Carmichael's jazzy keyboards and perfect harmonies are the foundation of the band's sound.

Maroon 5 will probably take some time off in the new year, polishing its solid gold cars and swimming in its cash, Scrooge McDuck-style. You may not be a white chick, but you have to appreciate when a band finds its perfect pitch.--Brock Radke