Girl Gone Wild: Turn-ons and turn-offs of 2004

By Loki Ferris

I tried to keep from doing a year-end best and worst list, but I was compelled to do it in celebration of my divorce anniversary at the end of this month. Here's my list of turn-ons and turn-offs for 2004, beginning with the turn-ons:

1. A date talking about Umberto Eco's writing style. As excited as I was to hear my date's description of Eco's prose, I couldn't wait for him to stop so I could plant one on him.

2. A huge black helicopter flying very low over my head as I was driving down Las Vegas Boulevard. (All aircraft remotely resembling a Black Hawk, for that matter. Note to self: Watch Black Hawk Down again.)

3. Some dude in all black leather riding a red Moto Guzzi Supersport. He could have looked like Steve Buscemi (who is actually kind of hot in a twisted way) under that mysteriously dark helmet--all he had to do was turn his head in my direction and give me a nod and I would have followed.

4. The bassist from Interpol who wears a white button-down shirt with a black shoulder holster.

5. The alpha male who purposely bumped into the other dude I was talking to when he resurfaced from the restroom. I don't usually condone this type of behavior, but I couldn't help it; turns out they are both tenants in the same building. The bumpee caved: "You know what, dick? I'm not talking to you anymore--you're trouble!" It was such a Darwinian moment.

6. Tom Cruise's bad-ass character and salt and pepper hair in Collateral.

7. Sharing philosophies about anything with an interesting man, and making him giggle without tickling him.

8. Giving a lap dance to Mr. Mojito. (No pole dance tricks here)--I consider myself a Gumby with rhythm.

9. Being surrounded by hot D.I.L.F.s in line at Target. A dude handling his kids with kindness and humor is such a turn-on. It's a plus if he can actually do his daughter's hair.

10. Dancing suggestively for a man at a lounge and having one of the Maloof brothers watch the free show the entire time. I won't divulge which one...

Now, for the turn-offs, in no particular order:

1. A guy telling me I was getting a little thick and he didn't care if I had to starve, pop pills or puke to keep the weight down. He preferred "tits on sticks." Ass.

2. The guy who looked just like one of the N'SYNC boys who talked to my friend first and then asked me for my number instead. I told him he could call me if it was a group date, like in high school and only if he brought two other hot guys. He never called. Smart man.

3. My "guyfriend" who admitted he Googled me and my kids. First, don't admit to Googling anybody and definitely don't Google someone's children! Kinda creepy.

4. The guy who tries to turn his girlfriend into a bi nymphet. Don't force a soft-spoken woman to dance with other girls if she's uncomfortable. I didn't see her trying to force him to grind on other guys.

5. Men who don't like kids. They don't have to love 'em but an openness in regard to the "idea" of kids is better than "I can't stand kids!"

6. Guys with no J-O-B, unless you are retired, independently wealthy or a student. There's nothing to deaden a spark as quickly as "I'm drawing unemployment, and on my last check."

7. Repeated flatulence in my car when the windows are rolled up and it's freezing outside. At least tell me so I have warning.

8. Hairy backs. There are so many options out there--there's just no excuse for this! You know it's bad when it looks like you're wearing an angora-wild boar blend.

9. Men who are fierce fondlers of their women in public. PDA's are fine but how far do you think your fingers can go through a pair of tight jeans anyway? She's not a bowling ball or a six-pack! Have her wear a skirt instead and fondle her under the table for the sake of all of us who wish we hadn't seen it.

10. Guys who don't read. There's got to be something you like to read besides menus and the cable TV schedule. Auto Trend, Spin, food labels? My column?