Duel: Janet Moncrief VS. Janet Jackson

In this inaugural edition of Duel, Janet Moncrief--registered nurse, indicted city councilwoman, overzealous user of Maybelline products--squares off against the lovely Janet Jackson (Miss Jackson, if you're nasty). Who'll take home tonight's honors--she of the ethics malfunction or boob-baring queen of the wardrobe malfunction? There's only one way to find out: Duel!

Moncrief proves a formidable foe in the early rounds, peppering Jackson with a primitive mace fashioned from hospital scrubs wrapped around a bar of soap. But Jackson staves off a quick victory with exhibitionist parries from an expertly deployed pierced right nipple. What defense! But wait! Moncrief ups her attack with a blistering flurry of slanderous campaign fliers paid for with money from questionable sources! Jackson is down for the count, writhing in pain as she clutches at her hair extensions! Hold on...what's this?...just when you think it couldn't get any more savage, Moncrief deploys her secret weapon, tagging off with--oh my gawd--BOB STUPAK! As Stupak finishes off Jackson in a cartoon cloud of BANGs and POWs, Moncrief accepts her trophy with a tear in her eye and a peep of false naivete: "I'm innocent!"--Andrew Kiraly