Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on the presidential inauguration

Why is the inauguration on Jan. 20 at noon?

The Constitution's 20th Amendment set the date and time. This will be a particularly significant event because this marks the first public appearance of Laura Bush, who's been in mourning ever since the tragic death of former Pantera guitarist Dimebag Darrell Abbott.

What are some historic precedents set during previous inaugurations?

George Washington pronounced the words "So help me God" after taking the oath, and other presidents have followed this example. Grover Cleveland was the first to add "True dat!" Martin Van Buren began the tradition of schlong-stirring the inaugural punch bowl. Woodrow Wilson was the first president to ride in the parade astride a saddled Supreme Court justice. The first inaugural balls were held by James Madison. Bill Clinton became the first to have his inaugural balls tongued before, after and during the swearing-in ceremony.

How much will President Bush's inauguration cost?

Between $40 and $50 million. But that includes saffron body wraps for the Oak Ridge Boys. It's in their contract.

With so much suffering around the world, wouldn't it be more appropriate to tone down some of the inaugural festivities?

If we do that, the tsunami wins. Now more than ever, the world needs America to kick out the jams. By Jan. 21, most of the bloated corpses in southern Asia will be planted, and any survivors not ravaged by disease will be ready to par-tay! At least vicariously. Therefore it is our moral obligation to throw a grossly lavish bash and lift spirits around the world. Besides, what else could we possibly spend the 40 mil on besides crab puffs, bunting and crystal vomit buckets for Jenna? More armor to keep our troops from being blown apart in Iraq? Ha-ha! Good one.