Left Brain/Right Brain: Is Bush being stingy with tsunami relief?

Lisa: Let's be charitable. President Bush was probably so overcome with conservative compassion for those tsunami victims that it took him four days just to pull himself together enough to be able to talk about it in public. In the meantime, his PR staff went to work building him a snazzy official-looking stage set with a brand new presidential-type seal re-christening Crawford, Texas, "The Western White House." By the time he changed out of his buckaroo outfit and climbed up on that platform in his blue Armani suit, I dang near plum forgot he was kickin' back at the ranch on vacation. I wonder if those are the same PR guys who stuck the adjective "compassionate" in front of the noun "conservative" and then created the ad campaign to sell it to the public as a plausible construct. Interesting, isn't it, that liberals don't have to stick Post-it notes on their foreheads so you can tell the compassionate ones apart from the mercenaries?

James: Far be it from me to seem like the reasonable one, but look: The death toll we already know about in South Asia completely dwarfs 9-11. It affected people all around the world. That being the case, it's really low-class to turn this into a political issue or to "keep score" on who cares more. The people who do act that way, I think, are more concerned with sniping at the U.S., or Bush in particular, than helping the victims.

Lisa: Low-class? That's "lower-middle-class" to you, Mister! But by all means, let's be reasonable. In fact, let's do some math: If I count one dollar per second, how long will it take me to count a million dollars? Answer: about 11 1/2 days. How long will it take me to count a billion dollars? Answer: about 31.7 years. Now there's an "order of magnitude" difference for you!

Now let's be charitable again and use the $350 million figure the president has been encouraged to work his way up to, rather than the $15 million he initially auditioned. If a tsunami victim counts one dollar per second, how long will it take to count $350 million? Answer: about 11 years. If a war profiteer counts one dollar per second, how long will it take to count $280 billion? Answer: about 8,876 years. So much for beating swords into plowshares.

James: Again, that's keeping score. And it's missing the point. The difference is that a military budget must be planned in advance, whereas we are now reacting to a spontaneous "act of God," a phrase probably coined by someone who really hates God. So if you'd say Bush is doing "the Lord's work in Iraq" on $280 billion, it seems the Lord can do his own work a lot more effectively. If Republicans were as religious as liberals seem to think they are, they'd leave these things up to God and not spend money like Democrats.

Lisa: Now you've got me all confused. Republicans aren't religious? But if they were, they'd still spend $280 billion on the war in Iraq because they planned it in advance? But they wouldn't spend a dime on disaster relief because it's God's will? Naw! Can't be! They couldn't really be that mean, could they? I'd have thought you'd have to turn a man upside down and shake him to within an inch of his life to empty the compassion out of him that completely. Especially a religious man, or a Republican.

James: No, I'm saying I agree with you. God (or nature) managed to kill people a lot more efficiently with less money than the federal government did in Iraq. So simply spending money isn't the measure of charity. It's a question of getting the money to where it's needed. And remember, this is not planned in advance. The U.S. pledged $36 million after the first week; now it's over $350 million. It will inevitably go up, given that the reconstruction will have to be over a factor of years. This is what we've raised so far after a factor of weeks--and that's not including private donations.

Lisa: Yes, when it comes to cost-effetive killing, you just can't beat those "acts of God!" It is encouraging to witness the outpouring of donations in response to the president's plan to privatize the relief efforts. His personal donation of $10,000 is an inspiration to us all. If we each gave the same percentage of our net worth, I figure we could raise over $12 on my block alone.

James: Every bit helps. And Sandra Bullock donated $1 million of her own money, while Linkin Park donated $100,000 and is organizing a concert. I don't agree with most celebrities' political opinions, but they're doing the right thing here. And is that more or less important than making a natural disaster into a political issue?