Mercury World Report

Stars hold benefit show for stalled careers, horrible wave thing
Tsunami Aid offers hope to victims of 'water thingie that devastated that one place'

NEW YORK--A galaxy of the entertainment industry's once-brightest stars has assembled to stage a benefit concert meant to raise awareness of their stalled careers and money for the horrible wave thing that happened.

"When I heard about the water damage thingie that devastated that one place, I knew I had to be involved," said Gloria Estefan, just one of the former stars headlining "Tsunami Aid: A Concert for Hope." "It's a wonderful opportunity for me to be on TV again, and to bring hope and other stuff to the people affected by this really bad thing."

"The career devastation is almost unimaginable," said co-headliner Diana Ross. "It will require an international response if I'm ever to get on my feet again. And this is just the first step in a long process."

It's a generous sentiment echoed by Canadian singer Sarah McLachlan. "With `Dawson's Creek' off the air now, there's no real place for my dreary and monotonous songs of romantic loss," McLachlan said. "But you put me at a piano with dramatic lighting and footage of weeping refugee children on a big screen behind me and I guarantee you I'll be back in heavy rotation in no time."

Actress from Levitra commercial dreading high school reunion

BELLEVUE, Iowa--Though she always vowed she'd return to her tiny hometown as a big star, the smoldering, pouty-lipped actress from the Levitra commercials now dreads the thought of attending her 20th high school reunion as the spokeswoman for erectile dysfunction.

"I see from the school newsletter where class clown Mike Partridge is gonna host the big reunion breakfast," the apprehensive actress said Tuesday. "I'm already expecting a lot of cracks about how I finally landed a `meaty role' or finally got a part `I can really sink my teeth into.' That kind of crap.

"The worst part will be the formal dance at the gym with all those drunk hillbillies making `strong and lasting' jokes I've heard a thousand times. Or my high school boyfriend reminding me that he never needed any little pill to bang away at me behind the A&W Root Beer stand.

"Nobody will mention my stage work, or my bit part as the bank teller in that Lifetime Network movie," the actress noted. "No, I'll just be the 'limp dick chick' whose husband can't get it up for her. Just the triumphant homecoming I'd always envisioned."

Concert-goers demand refund when Lohan refuses to lip-sync
Fans clamor for digitally enhanced simulation of pop star's voice

PHOENIX--More than 4,000 angry audience members demanded refunds Friday night when teen idol Lindsay Lohan refused to lip-sync during a concert at Phoenix's America West Arena. And with the concert promoter denying responsibility for the mishap, some furious fans are contemplating legal action.

"When I buy tickets for a Lindsay Lohan concert, I'm paying to hear digitally airbrushed reproductions of her computer-enhanced voice," fan Steve Killian said. "The last thing I want is to hear is her real voice warbling through these utterly forgettable pop numbers. Everyone was expecting lip-synching. We all wanted her voice to be as real as her breasts."

"I'm sorry, but it's just unprofessional," agreed 16-year-old Stephanie Maillot. "She can barely sing as it is, but to subject us to her real voice during the high-energy dance numbers is inexcusable. I wouldn't even mind a one- or two-second delay as her voice is processed through a pitch-correcting software program, but for God's sake, do something. To give someone that talented a live mic is just wrong."

A Mercury Handi-Chart
How is CBS changing journalistic practices to prevent another "Memogate"?

As a filter against any possible partisanship, field producers now required to ask sources if they hate George Bush as much as CBS does

Rethinking next Wednesday's segment, "Hitler's Secret Weblog"

When interviewing possible sources, reporters must now try to write down a rough approximation of what the person is saying. Seriously. Like right then, actually scribbling stuff while the person is talking and everything

Rushing into print Dan Rather's moving tribute, George W. Bush: A Story of Military Heroism and Wartime Sacrifice to Shame the Greatest Generation

All computer-generated documents dated prior to 1900 will invite a second layer of heightened scrutiny

Must have incontrovertible proof before charging president with something utterly obvious, like short-dicking his National Guard duty

Change definition of "anonymous source" to conform with industry standard. Must now be a REAL person who merely wishes to shield identity from public

More stories on autistic children, fewer on autistic president

CBS employees no longer able to ask rhetorically why the really important forged document, the one used to mislead a sleepy populace into the Iraq war debacle, hasn't led to investigation or firings at White House

See if Cronkite's available

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER
What we learned from the government's new daily health guidelines

Most Americans don't need to butcher and eat a hog every day: 6%

Exercise for 60 minutes, unless something good is on like a "Law & Order" episode you've only seen 12 times: 12%

Masturbation doesn't count as exercise: 15%

Something-something whole grains blah-blah-blah something-something fruit: 18%

Corn liquor surprisingly not a vegetable: 14%

Hot Pockets still totally rock: 20%

Gastric bypasses are expensive but a finger down the throat doesn't cost a nickel: 15%