The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, JAN. 12: Bob Marley is dead. But his spirit lives on! (Mostly in the form of Eric Clapton's unfortunate 1974 version of "I Shot the Sheriff," but still). The ganga-puffin' reggaeman was back in the news Wednesday when wife Rita Marley announced plans to exhume his remains in Jamaica and rebury them in Ethiopia, his "spiritual resting place." "Bob's whole life is about Africa," she said. "It is not about Jamaica." But no matter where the reggae great finally rests in peace, college students worldwide know that Marley's spirit can be tied to no country, no creed--but only to a monstrous, THC-induced craving for Fritos.

THURSDAY, JAN. 13: While we here in America can depend on Courtney Love or Tommy Lee for a weekly dose of public megastupid, the poor, dignified Brits sometimes have to go months--months!--before their celebrity class majorly gaffes. But oh, when they gaffe, they do it with the force of a powerful overbite generated from years of genteel inbreeding. Prince Harry apologized after early editons of The Sun published photos of the second son of Prince Charles at a party dressed as a German fascist soldier--complete with swastika armband. Jolly stupid, daft shithead!

FRIDAY, JAN. 14: Lance Malone never went for the whole Nazi costume thing, opting instead to shock 'n' awe us normal folk by being the baby-faced wannabe thug courier for strip club owner Michael Galardi. Apology? Naw! Instead, the disgraced former Clark County commissioner wants the corruption case in San Diego against him dismissed, accusing the feds of "outrageous government conduct" such as entrapment. Let's turn to Week in Review's telegenic legal consultants for their sage analysis: [insert violent gusts of uproarious laughter here].

SATURDAY, JAN. 15: Airline pilot Oliver Paul Reason Jr. never went for the whole baby-faced wannabe thug courier for a titty club mogul thing, opting instead to shock 'n' awe us normal folk by making this announcement while taxiing down the runway: "Our final destination--hic!--this afternoon is a horrific ball of screaming metal and flame as--hic!--my love affair with this bottle of Wild Turkey will reach a cruising altitude of about death and mayhem. Thanks for flying AirTran!" Arrest records show the pilot charged with trying to fly drunk out of McCarran had a blood-alcohol content of 0.091 percent--the equivalent of vigorously rubbing yourself with two frat pledges and eating a box of chocolate liqueurs.

SUNDAY, JAN. 16: The Golden Globes were doled out Sunday night in a somewhat subdued celebration, out of respect for two tragedies: the South Asian tsunami and the continued existence of Robin Williams, who received a career achievement award for all the hilarity he's violently thrust into our quivering hilarity-acceptor holes over the years. Other highlights: Clint Eastwood walking away with the award for best director, Leonardo DiCaprio taking best actor, and a hungry, unshaven Stephen Baldwin looking around before discreetly sliding a glistening loaf of salmon mousse into his pocket.

MONDAY, JAN. 17: More than half of Americans believe Iraq is fuqt, according to a national survey. Fifty-two percent of respondents said they thought it was a mistake to send U.S. troops, vs. 47 percent with the opposite view. Oh, sure, NOW you tell us, vs. two months ago in November when 52 percent said it was not a mistake to invade Iraq--as respondents smoothed shiny new W '04 stickers on the blood-spattered bumpers of their Dodge Hemis.

TUESDAY, JAN. 18: What can you get for $40 million? Like, tons! Like, 690 Humvees and a $290 bonus for each soldier in Iraq! Or, like, food and blankets for shivering, tsunami-whacked Indonesians! Or even a new fleshy skull helmet for Joan Rivers! But Bush and his cronies wanna spend it on inaugural festivities set for this Thursday, a fact that has drawn fire from critics who say the expenditure is unseemly. "Precedent suggests that inaugural festivities should be muted--if not canceled--in wartime," Democratic Rep. Anthony Weiner of New York wrote to Bush. Bush responded by extending inaugural ball invitations to all tsunami victims and limbless Iraqis.--ANDREW KIRALY