Girl Gone Wild: The 'other woman' blues

By Loki Ferris

Dear Loki,

I am a divorced woman after five years of marriage. My ex confessed to cheating on me with a woman I've known for years--and I would never have guessed it. I don't understand what he meant when he said she was everything that I wasn't. All my friends tell me I'm prettier than the other woman and he's just a dog. But that doesn't help me. I want to be married again, but I'm scared shitless. What do you think men want?

--Pissed and scared

Dear P and S,

News flash: Yes, men can be dogs. But so can women. If I had to generalize, I'd say men want an attractive woman who's nice. That's not to say it's enough to keep one around the way you want. What a perfect opportunity for me to ask my friend who recently stopped being "the other woman" after 20, yes, 20 years! Since I've never been the "other woman," I feel I should let her be my guest columnist.

Here's what she had to say.

Former other woman: I'm so happy that I finally ended it. In 20 years of being "the other woman," I've learned a lot about men. If you think that ring on your finger means something, let me tell you...it's just a ring. I firmly believe if that man was a playa in the beginning, he'll have that itch to play again and again. He can be a good husband, father and friend, but when the wife's not looking, he can be an s.o.b with an attention span as long as a TV commercial!

After that courtship stage is over, they get that familiar itch. They want to prove to themselves that they still got what it takes, that they're still attractive and they crave sex with strangers. Not all men, but a lot. It's all about the ego.

First and foremost, if a man is going to stray, he will find a way to do it. Let your man have his space! You must be able to leave him alone, let him have his own time. Trust him to use his good judgment. That is all you can do. Nagging him is not a form of control.

Fulfill his fantasy so he'll be less likely to find it elsewhere. What's it going to hurt to throw on a blond wig and stripper shoes every now and again? Better he sees them on you than on his regular dancer at OG! When he least expects it, give him a B.J. Take him to the 50-yard line at halftime!

Most importantly, be his girlfriend again. Stop being a wife and mother and be the woman he lusted after in the first place.

When it comes down to it, the men have to ask themselves: "How is this going to change us?" The easiest solution to the problem is to have the answer first: Think about the consequences of your actions and how it will affect your loved one. I've known men to leave their wives for the other woman--only to be left for another man. Then they go begging for the wives they left in the first place to come back!

For the women who've strayed from their husbands: I know it's just as easy for a woman to cheat on her man--sometimes you get hit on more because of that ring on your finger. The biggest mistake for women is when they fall for the man they are having the affair with.

For the women who have been the "other woman" like me, it always seems like you know what you're doing at first, like you have it all under control. You are attracted to the unattainable. But think about what you're left with: You can't talk about his wife, his kids--just business and sex.

When he's not with his wife, he's with you. But what about when he's not with either of you--how do you handle that one? You're alone on all of the important holidays. You do so much to make it convenient for him and she ends up with all of the benefits of his guilty conscience. You only get gifts when you're mad. You swear you don't have it in you to fall in love with a married man, but you find yourself tempted to call his house just to hear his voice. Only you'll know when you've had enough.

Loki: It's hard enough falling in love with a single man--but a married one? Fuhgeddaboutit!

E-mail your comments and questions to loki@lasvegasmercury.com.