The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, JAN. 19: The Senate Foreign Relations Committee voted 16-2 in favor of confirming Condoleezza Rice as secretary of state, a milestone that led to her becoming the first black woman to ever hold that position. Awww. Fire up R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" as we video-montage through Condi's quaint feelgood scrapbook o' barrier-busting achievement: She's also the first black woman to enforce a false connection between 9/11 and Saddam Hussein! The first black woman to insist that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction! The first black woman to deny the Bush administration ignored warnings of the 9/11 attacks! Gee, what a blow for equality it'll be if she becomes the first black woman to be a Bush-bot pre-emptive warmonger! Call us crazy, but--sob!--we have a dream!

THURSDAY, JAN. 20: In his second inaugural speech, President Bush called upon "the force of human freedom" to "break the reign of hatred" and "expose the pretensions of tyrants." Translation: Your ass is next, Iran. Anyway. For all of Bush's lack of balls to show up for military service during Vietnam, this day was replete with 'em--big, sweaty, inaugural balls against the chin of the nation, that is--$40 million worth to mark the second term of President George W. Bush. Happy presidenting! (This Week in Review item made in Canada.)

FRIDAY, JAN. 21: Hm. How to best tap into the wallets of Nevada's large lower-class bubba population? Start charging a cover at Hooters? Punitive tariffs on dental bridges? A flannel tax? Or how about a good old-fashioned state lottery? Yee-haw! Nevada Dems floated that idea Friday as a way to raise up to $50 million annually in Nevada--all of which, under the proposal, would go toward funding the service-industry training megaplexes known in Nevada as "schools." Your Powerball number: 666.

SATURDAY, JAN. 22: Emma Sarkisian, 18, and Mariam Sarkisian, 17, are like most teenage girls. They're fond of boys, music and text messaging. Also, like most teenage girls, they, like, sooo hate spending weekends locked up in a filthy Los Angeles halfway house under the watchful eye of Office of Homeland Security goons as they await deportation. But thanks to an absurd tangle of bureaucratic snafus and newly stringent rules put in place after 9/11, the Armenia-born daughters of a Las Vegas businessman are being threatened with getting the boot from the U.S., the R-J reported Saturday. Oh well. At least there'll be plenty of internships available in the former Soviet republic, including excellent work-from-home business opportunities in the areas of arms smuggling, prostitution and narcotics sales. Vuht a cuhn-tree!

SUNDAY, JAN. 23: Johnny Carson, host of NBC's "The Tonight Show" for almost 30 years, died Sunday of emphysema. Let's take a moment to thank Carson for the years of laughter, the class, the sass, the wit and the wackiness. Now let's take a moment to thank NBC for replacing it all with Jay Leno.

MONDAY, JAN. 24: When do you know that we're in deeeeep global warming-type shit? When an international climate change task force says so! A report issued by just such a group, "Meeting the Climate Challenge," called on the G-8 leading industrial nations to slash carbon emissions, double research efforts on hippie-friendly green technology and build on the Kyoto protocol. Why? Because an ecological time-bomb is ticking away! But don't take Week in Review's word for it. "An ecological time-bomb is ticking away," said task co-chair Stephen Byers. See? The report notes that the global average temperature has risen by 2 degrees Celsius since 1750. Unless you want us wearing stovepipe hats again to stave off the naked death rays of the unforgiving sun, get with the program, fellow shitheads of planet Fuct!

TUESDAY, JAN. 25: In a 50-minute monologue that sounded strangely like an old man wrestling a tutu-clad circus bear in his sleep, Gov. Kenny Guinn delivered his State of the State speech Monday night, the R-J reported. Highlights: An economy "firing on all cylinders"! Lowlight: No retirement health benefits for new state employees. Highlight: $500 million extra for public schools! Lowlight: $300 million in rebates for our California barbarian invader friends with Hummers and speedboats. But his nearly hour-long blab did leave his audience in a state of bafflement, unease and vague dread--and, in the end, isn't that what a good political speech should do?

--ANDREW KIRALY