Left Brain/Right Brain: Topic: Will Iraq elections yield democracy?

By Lisa Coffey and James Gillen

Lisa: Who put the "neo" in neoconservative? The Bush administration, that's who! When these boys decide to spread democracy, they don't fool around.

Apparently, their plan to spread democracy in Iraq includes a strategy to kick the democratic process up a notch with the introduction of a feature that not even we Americans enjoy. Sure, we have the secret ballot here at home, but who could have imagined the innovation of the secret candidate? Now there's concept!

James: What do you mean by "secret"? Is it because the candidates are practically in witness protection? It could be because the local mob--aka the Saddamist holdouts in the Sunni areas--are killing as many people involved with the new government as they can. Although I'll grant that stopping an election from being held in the first place is a lot more efficient than getting the Florida Supreme Court to keep changing the recount standards until Al Gore wins.

Lisa: I'm not being cagey in my choice of words here--"secret" means just what we think it means. On Jan. 30, the Iraqis are going to have an election in which the identity of the majority of the candidates is a secret. The location of the polling places is a secret, too. And yes, it is because the candidates are practically in witness protection and yes, because the insurgents are killing as many people as they can. And also, apparently, because neither George Bush nor Donald Rumsfeld ever, ever, ever miscalculates, let alone makes any flat-out mistakes; and therefore there will be an election held on Jan. 30. Period.

James: And if there wasn't an election held, that would be considered a victory for the terrorists, as is the fact that we haven't held an election before now, as it would be if we delayed the election X number of months. The left would interpret any result at all as being unfavorable to the war effort. Given that I DO think Bush's administration made a mistake in not deploying enough troops to secure the country, it still doesn't do any good to nitpick unless there's a real alternative. What would you suggest?

Lisa: Nitpick? Gee, I thought I was making a carefully considered observation about a grave and volatile situation with potentially disastrous ramifications for the welfare of all humanity. And that, of course, reminds me of a joke my grandfather used to tell:

A couple of old codgers have scrambled to safety on the roof of their mountain shack, from which vantage point they're watching the wreckage of a flash flood floating by in the torrential waters. There's debris from demolished barns, broken timber and fence posts, household items, furniture, goats, chickens, everything washing by, when a hat comes floating along. The hat floats a little way past the shack, then it turns around and starts floating back upstream; it floats up a little way past the shack, then it turns around and starts floating downstream again. The first old codger says, "Dang, would you look at that! That hat floats downstream, then it turns around and floats back upstream again!" "Hat, nothin'!" the second one says, "That's Goober--said he was gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water."

James: Good joke! Here's another. Peter Jennings is touring Iraq with a Marine bodyguard, and during a walk they get surrounded by three terrorists. The Marine says, "Hell with this, buddy, why don't you just kick my ass?" One of the terrorists says, "What?" The Marine says, "Seriously, just kick my ass!" The terrorist tries to punch him, but the Marine ducks, punches the terrorist out, grabs his firearm and shoots the other two guys, then he tells Jennings to run.

After they're safe, Jennings goes, "That was great! But you didn't have to tell the guy to hit you first." The Marine says, "What, and have YOU say I started it?"

Lisa: And then I bet Peter Jennings said, "Don't be ridiculous, young man; you didn't start anything. The commander-in-chief started it, and he's going to hold that sham election on Jan. 30 come hell or high water."

Hey, here's one I just made up: The president of the United States, an anti-intellectual elitist and a smug arrogant liar walk in to a bar. Then a second man walks in!

James: Yeah, cool, so Bush "started" it. And if we'd left Iraq alone, Saddam Hussein would certainly allow people to say what they wanted to say about him, protest his domestic policies and jeer at him during his next inauguration.

We say that brave men and women died to protect our right to vote. Why did they NEED to? Look at what the bullies and the fascists are doing to stop an election in Iraq. THAT's why, dammit.