Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on celebrity breakups

Why do so many celebrity couples fail?

Celebs don't like to put in the long hours of maintenance required to keep a relationship afloat. They're always looking to cut and run. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was Mrs. Barry Manilow. It was the happiest 55 hours of my life. First, he couldn't live without me, then he was all, "She slipped me a roofie! I want an annulment!" But that's just the flighty mindset of celebrities today. And it wasn't a roofie. It was Special-K, laced with a little mescaline. Dumbass.

Why have the marital woes of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston been such a huge story?

The announcement that Brad and Jen were splitting came when we were all feeling very vulnerable. Wars and natural disasters threatened to overwhelm this puny planet. The possibility that we might need to stuff two people into a life-supporting pod and fire them into space to begin repopulating the human race seemed very likely. Bradifer was our go-to couple. Who knew they were barren and loveless as zoo pandas? Now if push comes to shove, we're counting on Topher Grace and a hooker to make like Adam and Eve and jumpstart the begatting.

Why didn't Brad and Jennifer start a family while they were still together?

They probably couldn't agree on what whacked-out name to hang on the kid. The only dashingly retro and funkily offbeat monikers that haven't been sponged up by Hollywood breeder couples are Terwilliger, Bosworth and Priapism.

They have vowed to remain friends. Does this ever happen?

Never. Once men stop jabbing you with a certain body part, they don't like having you around. We've seen them at their worst, their contorted Ned Beatty-like faces while chugging toward orgasm, the frightened puppy whimpers once they arrive in O-Town and all their pervy needs along the way. After you shove a Vaseline-slathered Boba Fett action figure up their ass--per their whispered request--do you really think they want to split a pizza and talk about old times?