Mercury World Report

Abu Ghraib pledge dies during hazing incident

BAGHDAD--Abu Ghraib's notorious "Hell Week" claimed another victim Saturday when 37-year-old Gamma Omicron Pi pledge Kamil "Chip" Musharraf died during a playful hazing incident in the fraternity's basement interrogation room.

According to witnesses, Musharraf was suspended by his wrists, hands cuffed behind his back, and asked to recite the hometown and major of each Gamma member. When Musharraf grew unresponsive, electrodes were placed in his rectum and good-natured barbs were directed at the man's genitalia.

Musharraf, who essentially choked to death, is the 34th man to die from hazing incidents this semester. Critics have called upon Abu Ghraib administrators to revisit the alcohol policy for on-campus fraternities, while supporters stress that a handful of innocent mishaps shouldn't tarnish the institution's rich Panhellenic tradition.

"Obviously, our thoughts and prayers go out to the entire Musharraf family," said chapter president Donald Rumsfeld. "Kamil obviously had some pre-existing condition that made him unable to withstand torture. And I wish to God we'd known that earlier. But the Chip Musharraf I know wouldn't want one regrettable incident to overshadow all the good work Gamma Omicron Pi does for the community. That's just how he was."

Man orbits party to achieve escape velocity

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark.--Seemingly stalled in the inhospitable atmosphere of a lifeless party, a desperate Damon Gillick executed two daring orbits of the party's outer reaches in an attempt to gather the critical escape velocity needed to slingshot his party machine free of the intense gravitational pull of Planet Dullsville.

"It's a pretty desperate maneuver," the humble Gillick acknowledged, "because you know if you don't generate the necessary momentum during your second orbit, you're probably gonna be stuck there forever.

"In your first orbit, through the relatively dense stratosphere of the kitchen or guest bedroom, you're just trying to break free of planetary restraints like conversation or eye contact," Gillick explained. "And obviously you want to avoid running into any similarly stranded orbiters. Those can be murder.

"By then, your last booster rocket of pure grain alcohol is almost depleted and you just rely on the gravitational pull of the unrelenting boredom to slingshot you into a higher trajectory. If your calculations are just right, you'll break through to the inky black ionosphere of the back yard. From there, it's a simple matter of slipping out the back gate."

Study finds kids today...`don't get me started'

BOCA RATON, Fla.--A study by the Old Fart Institute of America found that when seniors are asked their thoughts about the newest generation of youngsters, more than 37 percent of respondents said, "Today's kids...with the drugs and the iPods and the baggy jeans and spiky hairÉdon't get me started."

Old Fart officials said they were startled by the findings, which hint at a "growing level of intergenerational distrust," concluded OFIA President Willard Sizemore.

"Keep in mind," Sizemore stressed, "another 24 percent said, `These kids today, they walk around with their hands out, like the world owes them something. We grew up with nothing and worked for everything we have. And we're grateful. But these kids...forget about it.'"

Twelve percent of those polled said, "You want to feel good about the future. You really do. But then you look at these kids, with their crazy, mixed-up priorities, and it makes you a little sad. I'm just glad I won't be around to see them ruin things."

If there's a cause for hope, younger Americans might find it among the 6 percent of seniors who said, "I don't blame the kids. It's their parents these days, with their fancy cars and dual careers, who spoiled 'em rotten."

Handi-Chart: How winning an Academy Award changes your life

Get to talk about reading "a lot higher-quality scripts" with a straight face while promoting a movie about robots taking over the White House

Granted automatic VIP access to the exclusive Bulimia Lounge at Vanity Fair Oscar party

Just say the word and Miramax will have your ex-wife killed as a courtesy

Three to four extra nurses in room during next colonoscopy

Can now demand personal assistant's DNA sample for all future paternity tests

Stills from long-forgotten porn movie suddenly triple in value

After years of feigning indomitable self-confidence, finally get to give in to crippling self-doubt

Stomach-pumping now free at Cedars-Sinai

Guaranteed to get a vague smattering of applause during the "We Mourn Their Passing" segment of 2019 Oscars

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER: What chores we're doing for spring cleaning

Reach peace accord with family of attic rats: 10%

Find out who dead guy in guest room is: 12%

Replace duct tape on lounge chair with fresh duct tape: 15%

Polish caked vomit to glossy sheen: 18%

Remove all severed fingers from ice tray, have them reattached: 10%

Organize porn collection into Shemale and Non-Shemale files: 15%

Feng shui the hell out of Casa del Craphole: 20%