The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, FEB. 23: Only Hunter S. Thompson's funeral service could ever sound like this: BOOM! Friends and relatives said Wednesday the gonzo journalist's wish that his ashes be shot from a cannon may become a reality. "If that's what he wanted, we'll see if we can pull it off," said historian Douglas Brinkley, a friend of Thompson's. Thompson is the author of such classic works of gonzo journalism as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and, less importantly, a beacon of inspiration to millions of bad writers who thought taking drugs and indulging in run-on sentences would magically transform them into good writers.

THURSDAY, FEB. 24: Canada, the shy country to the north that should really loosen up, will opt out of the controversial U.S. missile defense program, Prime Minister Paul Martin said Thursday--presumably while nervously scanning the skies for any terrifying missile-like silhouettes. The prime minister's decision will further strain relations between Canada and the United States, observers say, putting it somewhere between "uncomfortable silence" and "lingering, unmistakably hostile eye contact," though the prospect of "clinging, terrified, to the pant leg of the U.S." remains an option if North Korean nukes do happen to come raining down.

FRIDAY, FEB. 25: Animal rights activists, not content with urging people to show compassion toward animals, are now urging people to show compassion toward animals made of candy. The New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals lodged a complaint with Kraft Foods Inc. over its fruity-flavored Trolli Road Kill Gummi Candy, which come in fun, festive shapes such as snakes, chicken and squirrels--all flattened with tire tracks. Awesome! Unless you're a humorless puritan. "It sends the wrong message to children, that it's okay to harm animals," said society spokesman Matthew Stanton. Or it sends the right message to animals: Get out of the road, dumb-asses!

SATURDAY, FEB. 26: What's with serial killers and their quaint mementos of death? Seems they can't terrorize a town without keeping a ghoulish scrapbook or writing creepy, taunting letters to the police. Well, that bad habit tripped up another killer, as police in Kansas announced they had arrested the infamous BTK killer, connected to 10 murders between 1974 and 1991. And the suspect is--ta-da!--a churchgoin', Cub Scout-leadin', play-by-the-rules, family kinda man by the name of Dennis Rader. For Wichita residents, it means an end to three decades of terror. To wan, pudgy fans of tawdry true-crime paperbacks, it means uninterrupted reading pleasure for years to come.

SUNDAY, FEB. 27: Well, the good news is that Chris Rock hosted the 77th annual Academy Awards and America didn't explode. The bad news is that most people didn't care if America exploded, as a mere 41 million tuned in--far less than ABC had expected for its annual program. Big winners: Million Dollar Baby and The Aviator. Not big winners, but available for rental at Blockbuster with free box of econo-vault Raisinets: Alexander, Scooby Doo 2 and Van Helsing.

MONDAY, FEB. 28: While most millionaires spend their spare time getting Beverly Hills face-tugs and launching reality shows that popularize catch-phrases such as, oh, something like, "Your employment is hereby immediately terminated!" rich/bored guy Steven Fossett has chosen instead to use his time flying in a circle. A big-ass, globe-size circle, mind you. The millionaire took off Monday night on his attempt to become the first person to complete a nonstop solo trip around the world in an airplane, an excursion that's expected to take 66 hours--or 17 in-flight showings of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights and 200 bags of stale pretzels.

TUESDAY, MARCH 1: Pass the Geritol and no-slip tub mat, fellow comrades in prunes: A new government study shows that Americans are living longer than ever--an average of 77.6 years--before shuffling off into the bony, lovin' arms of the Grim Reaper. The study also reveals that deaths due to heart attacks and cancer are down slightly, while deaths due to hypertension and kidney disease are up. More importantly, the study confirms that old age is largely marked by nosy relatives, squealing grandchildren, "M.A.S.H." reruns and sticky incontinence.

--ANDREW KIRALY