Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on Martha Stewart's release

What adjustments will Martha Stewart have to make after serving her prison term?

Martha will try to reclaim her old life, but she'll face problems. Being institutionalized isn't an easy thing to overcome. The world moves forward while you're inside, and it takes weeks to fit in again. Instead of going all shank-happy on shiftless employees, she'll have to use her previous management techniques--berating them with spittle-flecked torrents of profanity and whipping glue guns at their heads. She won't be able to buy a double latte at Starbucks with half a pack of smokes. She'll have learn to pee without supervision, to sleep alone instead of spooning with a bosomy, tattooed forger and, hardest of all, she'll have to get used to putting personal items in a purse instead of up her rectum. On the plus side, after your keys have been ass-tucked for a while they're almost impossible to misplace, since you can smell them from across the room.

Will being an ex-con stigmatize Martha in the eyes of her fan base?

Did you not see how slamming hot Martha looked? Prisons are the new luxury spas. Everyone I talk to wants to do a deuce upstate just to pull her life together. Turn off the cell phone, simplify the diet and undertake a rigorous workout regimen of yoga, free weights and brutally stomping any bitch caught stealing your tampons. It seems to do the trick. Martha walked out of the can with abs that are tighter than Lindsay Lohan's dad at last call.

Note to Paris Hilton: You lying skank! How come my information wasn't plastered all over the Internet? Your Sidekick gets hacked and I'm not even in it? How dare you Brian Dunkleman me! And don't bother calling the next time you're making a sex video with Mr. Right and you need a fluffer. I am so not available.