The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2: Bubba the lobster--22 pounds of tender, melt-in-your-mouth zoological oddity--died Wednesday after being moved to the Pittsburgh Zoo. The supersized ocean delight was rescued from a fish market (and, presumably, from the tiny, stabbing forks of bib-wearing bluebloods) after sparking national attention for his big-ass size. Fish market owner Bob Wholey said Bubba's death probably had to do with that foe of marine creature and mammal alike: stress. "They're very finicky. It could have been a change in the water. You have no idea," he said. In a solemn ceremony, Bubba will be laid to rest in the hungry mouths of customers at Red Lobster's Spring Seafood Event.

THURSDAY, MARCH 3: Until last week, the fourth-graders at Jo Mackey Elementary School lived in a small universe, limited to phonics, cooties, gluing macaroni to paper plates and picking boogers. Leave it to Mayor Oscar Goodman to blow their minds wide open with talk of partying. The bulb-nosed hizzoner made national headlines--and sparked the ire of parental units--after a Q&A session with students in which the mayor extolled the fun of imbibing, the R-J reported. Q: What are some of your hobbies, Mr. Mayor? A: Drinking. Q: If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring? A: A bottle of gin. Next week: After storytime, the mayor will divulge his secret recipe for Warm Tummy Time Magic Kool Aid.

FRIDAY, MARCH 4: Martha Stewart was released from prison Friday after five tastefully understated months in prison. Arriving at her Bedford, N.Y., home, she greeted the media with cocoa and--gasp--something resembling more than a spiked radioactive alligator tail for a personality, chatting up reporters with wholesome yarns about rec-yard shivvings and late-night shower encounters of total sapphic abandon. Observers say Martha's apparent turnaround from crazy-ass bitch to contrite soul may be just the thing to whip Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia back into shape. Meanwhile, Stewart still has five months of home arrest and two years of probation ahead of her--not to mention seven painful hours of getting that THUG 4 LIFE prison tat on her neck covered up with an elegant floral design.

SATURDAY, MARCH 5: Turns out our Native American friends--source of quality fireworks and tearful reminders not to litter--hate the proposed nuke dump at Yucca Mountain just like us palefaces! The R-J reported that a group of Western Shoshones slapped the government with a lawsuit arguing that an 1863 pact called the Ruby Valley Treaty forbids a nuke dump on their native land. Could this be the much-hyped "ace in the hole" trumpeted by nuke dump foes? Or is it a laughably futile symbolic gesture? "I have always felt the Western Shoshone have the best claim to stop Yucca Mountain," said Robert Hager, lawyer for the Western Shoshone. Um, yeah, it's a laughably futile symbolic gesture.

SUNDAY, MARCH 6: What do the Dodge Neon, Ford Focus and Volkswagen New Beetle have in common besides being high-power chick magnets that send out irresistible fuck-me rays? They all handily convert into twisted metal coffins of bloody death. A battery of tests performed by the insurance industry gave the three dinksters the lowest safety rating in new side-impact crash tests. Others that receive a poor rating include the Hyundai Elantra, Kia Spectra, Saturn Ion and Suzuki Aerio--which just goes to prove that the gayer the car's name, the more likely you are to be squashed in it beneath the avenging wheels of a Ford Soccer Mombot EarthKrusher 7000X.

MONDAY, MARCH 7: Like an eccentric pop singer of freakishly pale complexion with his funtime sleepover buddy, Syria is sloooowly pulling out of Lebanon. Leaders of both countries announced the exit of Syrian troops by the end of March, a move that resulted in lots of people waving flags and shouting stuff--pro-Syrians, anti-Syrians, the-Syrians-are-okay-though-they-sometimes-drink-too-much-at-office-parties. The move comes on the heels of intense international pressure on the country due to Syria's unique stewardship policy toward Lebanon which involved habitually blowing up their politicians.

TUESDAY, MARCH 8: He's a right-wing hardliner. He's a former protege of Jesse Helms. He squirts blood from his eyes at any mention of the United Nations. He has a moustache only a cowboy poet could love. And he just might be your new ambassador to the world! President Bush picked John R. Bolton as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, a move that rankled Democrats and even gave some Republicans pause. If Bolton founders in Senate hearings, insiders predict Bush will fall to Plan B: Lee Greenwood.

--ANDREW KIRALY