Mercury World Report

Controversial `pro-bullying' bill passes House

WASHINGTON--A controversial "pro-bullying" bill, identified by the White House as its top educational priority in the 2005 legislative year, passed the House yesterday by a 227-204 vote that fell largely along partisan lines.

President Bush praised Republican lawmakers for their "get tough" stance on the nation's weak and craven children. "Today we reverse a decades-long trend of favoring the weak over the strong," Bush proclaimed. "America was built by bullies, or at least built by victims under the bullies' iron-fisted rule. And yet liberals and educators would have us turn our back on our own heritage.

"Some say the bully has low self-esteem," Bush said. "Nonsense. The bully is certain of his place in the world and isn't afraid to demand it. If he hasn't done his homework, he'll take someone else's. He doesn't ask the U.N.'s permission; he just takes it. And if he has to bloody a nose or two, well by God he'll do it. He's a can-do kid, not a whiner."

The bill carves out $34 million from the No Child Left Behind budget for strategy counseling and legal defense funds for the nation's bullies. In addition, the bill allows bullies to divert all stolen lunch money into privatized, tax-free accounts.

Police forced to pretend man didn't suffer

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz.--Though peppered by questions from a grieving widow, officers Scott Chandler and Tracy Boggan managed to maintain that a man who had been ensnared on the bumper of a Hummer and dragged more than 17 miles hadn't suffered in the scant moments before his death.

When asked by Darren Zayac's widow if her husband had suffered, Officer Chandler said, "I doubt it, ma'am. Death is pretty much instantaneous in a deal like this. I can't imagine he felt a thing."

Sensing that the explanation was less than persuasive, Officer Boggan interjected, "The body pretty much shuts down to protect itself, ma'am. The victim may look like he's suffering, but the pain receptors are totally inactive. We've seen it a hundred times."

When reminded that her husband had screamed and pleaded for help, Officer Chandler offered, "That's just the autonomic nervous system, Mrs. Zayac. That's just instinct. The soul itself is long gone, but certain primitive parts of the brain will continue to wave for assistance."

Townsfolk wish local `Idol' finalist wasn't so gay

EMPORIA, Kan.--Though doing what they can to muster half-hearted support for a hometown hero, residents of this small Kansas town can't help wishing that local "American Idol" finalist Ken Polito didn't look so completely, flagrantly gay on the popular TV show.

"Oh, we're proud as punch of Ken," said Mayor Tom Saunders. "No question about it. He's taking Hollywood by storm and putting little Emporia on the map. 'Course, with all that prancing and such, he's making us all look like flaming queers."

The mayor's ambivalence is mirrored by regulars at Kelli's Diner, a Main Street fixture and gathering place. "You want to be proud of him 'cause he's a local boy made good," said sorghum farmer Dale Kreslow. "But then you watch him singing that Savage Garden song, all mincing and nelly and shit, and you can't help wishing he was from Salinas."

Though the local high school has erected a "Good Luck, Ken" sign on its front lawn, Mayor Saunders confirmed that any official recognition of Polito may have to stop there.

"I know Ken's dad, Bobby, is just sick to death that his queerbait son is on national TV. No father should have to deal with that kind of shame. If he wins, I guess we'll have to name a small street after him. But no way that kid's getting his name on the giant, phallic water tower. I couldn't do that to Bobby."

A Mercury Handi-Chart^™: What's next for retired CBS anchor Dan Rather?

Heard about a place in Borneo where you can pay to hunt and kill real human beings. Might check that out

Instructing mistress to say, "Yes, I'm calling about the '97 Supra you have listed in the paper" if his wife answers the phone

Allowing interns to slurp one last round of jello shots off his pale, sunken chest

Buying a Harley and traveling the length and breadth of this great country. Or maybe just hiring a guy to do it for him

Finally going to get around to committing his grandchildren's names to memory

Firing off weekly memos to Bob Schieffer reminding him to leaven his monotonous news reads with folksy, cornpone sayings

One last formal dinner and highly ritualized retirement ceremony at the Liberal Bias Institute's secret hideout

Sitting utterly motionless in attic window and glaring at neighborhood kids until their blood runs cold

Thinking of something really funny he should have said to the "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" guy

THE ISSUES THAT MATTER

Controversial statements made by U.N. ambassador nominee John Bolton

"There is no such thing as the United Nations": 5%

"Kofi Annan is a pan-faced pukeburger": 10%

"Renee Zellweger looks like a scrotum on a cold day": 15%

"International treaties are as gay as Elton John's panty drawer": 12%

"If I was Charlie Brown and Lucy yanked the ball away, cops would still be looking for that bitch's head": 18%

"While I support all things American, you just can't beat a Singapore hooker": 20%

"When it comes time to choose a new national anthem, I nominate 'Me and You and a Dog Named Boo'": 20%