The Week in Review

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9: If you haven't been feeling like yourself lately, here's a likely explanation: Because someone hijacked your identity from the DMV and is currently using a newly opened credit line to buy a plasma mondo-screen TV from Large Expensive Electronic Things Depot. Las Vegas police warned the public Wednesday of the consequences of a break-in at a North Las Vegas DMV branch that resulted in the theft of 1,700 blank Nevada driver's licenses and--the poopy icing atop this cake of shittiness--personal info on nearly 9,000 Nevadans. Indeed, in this age of identity theft and cybercrime, the DMV has proved to be a festive pinata filled with the Bit O' Honeys of sweet, chewy criminal opportunity.

THURSDAY, MARCH 10: One day, while exercising between bites of Whopper, former President Bill Clinton noticed he was short of breath. Doctors X-rayed his lungs and found not the usual obstruction--some intern's panties sniffed, alas, a little too enthusiastically--but, rather, rinds of scar tissue thicker than the sulfurous core of Kenneth Star's heart. But the former president was resting comfortably Thursday after minor surgery to remove the scar tissue and drain fluid from his lungs, and is expected to make a full recovery so he can continue his post-presidential career of, um, vaguely important public appearances.

FRIDAY, MARCH 11: Rick Tabish and Sandra Murphy were sentenced to one to five years in prison Friday--not for being the kind of greedy monsters of hate who'd exactly kill a guy for $8 million, but the kind of greedy monsters of hate who miiiight, after dancing a gleeful jig over the death of a drug-addled aquaintance, take a little drive out to Pahrump and try to steal his $8 million in silver. Both Tabish and Murphy continued to assert their innocence at the sentencing despite the most damning evidence of their guilt: Judge Joseph Bonaventure's eyes threatening to explode like eggs in a microwave oven under the pressure of so much quivering, primal incredulity.

SATURDAY, MARCH 12: Rod Stewart--former young turk, current Beverly Hills spray-tan tightface jerky beast from the deep--is 60, but that didn't stop the geeze-rocker from creaking down on one Teflon knee at the Eiffel Tower to ask 33-year-old Penny Lancaster to be his age gap-leaping child bride. She said--swoon--yes! And in case you're doubting the romantic sincerity of either party, let this quote melt your stony heart into a gentle trickle of Kern's guava juice: "I've never been happier and more in love than I am today," Stewart said...in a statement. Double swoon!

SUNDAY, MARCH 13: NASCAR hit town this weekend, bringing 156,000 race fans to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. Now, while it might be expected for Week in Review to break out the usual arsenal of facile jokes ridiculing our distant human ancestors known as NASCAR fans, we've instead decided to give YOU, dear reader, a taste of our irresponsibly used powers of editorial destruction with this a Stream of Consciousness Class Ridicule Kit. Mix 'n' match, then share with a friend: Bubba mullet halter bleach-blond Daisy Dukes Foxworthy blue-collar okay yee-haw this is yippee Budweiser getting neanderthal old.

MONDAY, MARCH 14: While the Federal Communications Commission ruled Monday that the steamy introduction to ABC's "Monday Night Football" was not indecent, Week in Review must disagree, as our mysterious throbbing hormone sacs and shortness of breath would NOT be inspired by anything less than spice-a-riffic naughty--in this case, actress Nicollette Sheridan dropping her towel and jumping into the arms of football player Terrell Owens. "Although the scene apparently is intended to be titillating, it simply is not graphic or explicit enough to be indecent under our standard," the commission said, shifting uncomfortably in its seat as it experienced the delicious, first thrill of pubescent sexual awakening.

TUESDAY, MARCH 15: Ding! Ding! So begins another round of the pink tussle: A California judge ruled that a ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional. "It appears that no rational purpose exists for limiting marriage in this state to opposite-sex partners," Judge Richard Kramer wrote. Though he might rethink his opinion if he'd ever been to a commitment ceremony in which a gay superbiker leatherboy with a boa constrictor and a handlebar moustache gazes into the eyes of a heavily oiled lumberjack and says, "I do."

--ANDREW KIRALY