Dear Diary: Excerpt from Al Gore's daily diary

With our anniversary coming up, Tipper and I decided to go with hand-made gifts this year. I've burned about 70 hours knocking out a bentwood rocker for Tipper (and I haven't even started staining it) and she's been good enough to pretend she doesn't know a thing about it. But I've had no idea what she was making for me. Before today. I'm digging around on the computer when I find a downloaded template for some sex coupons. And I know it sounds great, but it's the emptiest of gestures.

I mean, Tipper will wrap 'em up all nice in ribbon, and I'll stammer and blush, but it's a lot like those coupon books the neighborhood kids sell to raise money for their schools...a lot of this shit's gonna go unredeemed. I appreciate the old girl trying to keep the passion alive, but let's look at some of the particulars.

I'm seeing 24 coupons. That's two a month. In those 24, I've found one blowjob coupon, one anal coupon (with small print that says "beads only"...gee, that'll be fun for me) and one "tie me up" coupon. The tie-me-up thing sounds all nasty and fun, but it's really just a three-hour Tipper-a-thon full of feathers and toys and massage oils and edible crap I gotta spread on her and then lick off.

But, magically, I've uncovered THREE coupons for a scented bubble bath, FOUR coupons for a full-body massage and FOUR coupons for a "romantic, candle-lit dinner." You gotta say this for women...they take care of themselves in deals like this. It seems like it's for you, but it never really is.